Life Scraps

Friday, July 10, 2009

a FUNKy day

This entry is a tough one to write but I think it begs to be written....if only to be released from my mind and heart. You may want to seriously think twice about reading it unless you can do so without judgement or uncompassion.

I am in a serious funk today. If there was a rock close by I would certainly crawl beneath it and fade into the cool, moist dirt. I hear your question....and I don't really know why I feel this way. Maybe it is from a week filled with some economy related realities at work. Maybe it is due to not having a day for just me in a week+ now.....a day that did not require me to punch a timecard, go to a meeting, help someone, fill obligations for others. I am really NOT complaining about these things because I am so very thankful for my job and my paycheck. Meetings help me stay focused and organized with various events. Helping people....well, it really does bless my heart to help someone and being with my friends & such is a great stress reliever. BUT, when I go for too long without this ME time....some quiet time....I become overwhelmed; overly sensitive to people and the environment around me; and I begin to sense the oncoming signs of my depression. Even with medication to help control this, it can creep in when I don't put a stop to some things in my life. I cannot expect someone who has not dealt with depression to understand.

My biggest obstacle to overcome is the little voice in my head that whispers "see, you really are just tolerated by family & friends.....they don't truly love you or want you around". The insignificant feelings & thoughts that come from a battle of depression can at times make you think you are REALLY hearing voices in your head and that at any moment you may find yourself in a straight jacket, confined to a tiny little padded room. I have to voice to myself aloud often that my signifcance is NOT in these family members or is soley in my SAVIOR alone. Only in the shadow of His protetive wings can I find the unconditional love I so long for. Even on my worst day emotionally, physically & spiritually I am loved to the point of death on a cross by Jesus. And that is what brings rest to my weary, depressed soul.

I told you you should have thought twice about reading this. It is just raw honesty about where I am today. Tomorrow is a new, grace-filled day and I may awake with new eyes and a refreshed soul. If not, I know with all my heart that this too shall pass. I still praise God for everything He allows me to experience.....valleys & mountaintops!